N-O-R-D No Ordinary Regular Dirt

I haven't written in awhile, but I don't know why. I guess I'm really busy with school and work and volleyball but I don't feel that busy. I still find time to have anxiety attacks and fight with my boyfriend so I must be doing something right..

Very soon I will have a lot more time on my hands. My boss came to me today saying she will be taking me off the schedule after January. Why? Because I'm the newest part-timer and this other lady who used to be a super temp decided she wanted more hours so guess who gets there hours taken away. I wanted to be seasonal sales staff anyway but then I bought Christmas presents and drained my savings, so I changed my mind. I guess it makes sense that that would happen. I don't understand the culture that I work in. I was studying for my communications test the other day and was reading about small groups and communication in the workplace. There was a lot about good leadership, small group roles and norms, and how to be a good group member. I tried to imagine my work as a small group and put some of the girls I work with into those good group member roles for kicks and to help remember important concepts. Well, since I am still working there, lets just say that I found one girl that fits the description besides myself... but I do have to add that my boss is doing a good job at leading my department. There's only so much you can do with your power before the rest is left up to the subordinates (learned that term in class). I'm so glad my house mate also works retail and we can compare horror stories. You really have to have a sense of humor working in a place like that and you have to remember that you don't get paid enough to care about all the petty drama that goes on. I have to keep telling myself that on some days. I don't get paid enough to care.. one job.. take care of the customer. Period. As for everything else, you can whine and complain until the cows come home but if it doesn't have something to do with selling merchandise to a customer, no one is listening. Can you tell I worked for 10 hours today?

This is why I love writing in my blog. There is no one arguing with me or telling me I'm wrong. I can just write. Is it in human nature to argue? Or do some people just enjoy it for sport? Most annoying argument is when a girl is trying to convince you that they are fat and being polite you obviously take the side that no, they are not fat. Surface level relationship or long time friends, next time a girl complains about being fat I'm going to say, "Why yes, yes you are fat. I didn't notice that before but now I see it. Here. Have a carrot. That should help take the edge off, and by edge I mean fat." Who cares if YOU are fat? Everyone is so self absorbed they're all obsessing over their own chunky rolls. Yes I am fat. But you know what, I'm gonna do something about it instead of complaining or you know what? I am going to just enjoy my cookie and maybe a coffee too. I love watching skinny girls stare at me when I eat something delicious. They wish they could have it. Mmm mm.

Final thought for the night, I'm excited for my classes next quarter. Got the official plan, no more changes, done deal, all set, graduating within the alloted 4 years, maybe stay an extra year for a second major in psychology.. I am taking all English classes next quarter as I've decided since that's always been my "easy" class, why not major in it? I have enough credits to graduate on time for English and then I can take a class my senior year to prepare me for the LSAT and tuh-dah. Wam bam grownup Ma'am. I just made that up instead of wam bam thankyou ma'am... see. English talent. Ok goodnight internet people and Luis and Elizabeth (the only people I know that read this, less is better, less to argue with me)

Anxiety and other A words that start with C

This was an interesting article:

http://www.doh.wa.gov/hanford/publications/overview/overview.html

for those of you that don't like reading ginormous small print articles, this one is worth reading to about 2/3 towards the bottom.

I haven't written in awhile and haven't been very motivated these days. Something weird happened to me yesterday. I went to the men's volleyball open gym to get some good practice in before my season starts. Their practice was much harder than I expected including a fair amount of running and sprinting. After warm-ups, we were on our second drill and I was standing in line when for some reason I started having an anxiety attack. I got a funny feeling in my chest and started freaking out. Obviously I was fine but I ran out of the gym and called my boyfriend to come pick me up immediately. I wasn't running or breathing heavy. I was just standing there in line waiting for my turn to partake in the drill. I may sound dumb saying this but my mom said that I should research anxiety coping mechanisms so that I am not reliant on my boyfriend to drop everything and come help me feel better. I'm sure there are lots of other ways to cope but my sure fire way of getting rid of anxiety is my boyfriend.

I learned an interesting fact in my communications class today. Kissing can significantly lower cholesterol, stress, and obviously increase your satisfaction in a relationship. But going further, communication in general increases your physiological health in general. There have been studies supporting the idea that chronic conflict, lack of showing affection, or isolation from people can have the same amount of negative health affects as smoking. So if your reading this, I highly recommend going home and giving your significant other a big smooch. And if you don't have a significant other, don't stress about it, don't isolate yourself, and say what's on your mind. Don't hold back.

I was reading this scientific journal article for my psychology class and discovered other interesting facts. Watching negative news stories affect your mood in a negative way, well duh. But going further, it can have significant effects on your anxiety levels and on the ideas you are currently worried about. The study showed high correlation between watching negatively portrayed news and (it's a word. google it) catastrophizing personal worries. Basically, catastrophizing personal worries is building up a negative thought in your head to become something much greater than it is. For example, if your sales at work are lower than normal, you may begin to build this thought up in your mind to oh my gosh I'm going to be fired when realistically you really only had a slow day for any miscellaneous reason. Maybe a better example is if you are a hypochondriac and you get a headache and it doesn't go away right away, you may begin to catastrophize and think oh gosh what if I have a brain tumor or oh gosh I'm going to die. And apparently watching something negative that makes you feel sad or other emotion can cause your brain to dwell on some negative aspect or worry in your life and turn it into a catastrophic event.

When I googled catastrophizing, I found some cool websites that talk you through how to recognize when you do this and how to train yourself not to in order to live a long, happy life because as we now know, stress can higher your cholesterol and cause heart disease.

Oh one more interesting fact. Heart disease is the number one cause of death for males and females in the United States. Maybe that has something to do with the competition between news companies and leisure television shows for air space. Apparently negative news stories that provoke emotion are more interesting and draw more people to watch than happy sunshine stories that make people's minds healthier.

Little Black Dress

Today I brought out an old black dress I wore many times for orchestra concerts and high school dances. My classic black dress. Today I had to wear it for a different occasion. Never during the countless times I wore it before did I ever dream of wearing it to a funeral. Today we remembered Trevor Powell, squeezed into a good sized church. It was nice to see old faces but so sad under such circumstances. It was evident that Trevor touched many lives as I've never seen the church packed fuller even on Easter. My face still hurts and is the size of a golf ball on one side from getting my wisdom teeth out but no pain medication could get rid of the hurt I felt for Trevor and his family. Best friend Alex Myerson gave an amazing speech and was incredibly composed afterward. I don't know what it is like to lose a bestfriend in such a way and I can only imagine how hard it was for him to get up there and talk to such a large crowd. The Lord truly works in mysterious ways. Last Friday night I couldn't get to sleep due to an anxiety attack worrying about my wisdom teeth coming out on Tuesday and then Sunday night suddenly my wisdom teeth became the last thing on my mind. How could I be so selfish? The last couple of days I've tried to think what would Trevor want? He was kind to everyone. Never frowned. Wanted the best for everyone. I wish there was more I could do in light of such news and this is what I decided. I think the best anyone can do is be the best friend you can be to everyone and to be kind to everyone. This is how Trevor was and if nothing else, I think this is what Trevor would want. When I looked around at the teary eyes yet smiling warm faces, I knew that I may not be the only one with these thoughts. I pray that this isn't goodbye Trevor, but see you later.

Confirmed. An accidental overdose. I cannot believe it.

RIP Trevor Powell

I just found out that a guy I was good friends with in middle school who dated one of my best friends at the time died this weekend. I cannot believe it. I still don't believe it. I knew him as a kind person who liked to joke and laugh a lot. At first I thought it was some kind of sick prank but a friend of mine told me that allegedly he was getting a nasty heroin addiction and died from an overdose. I just refuse to believe that this is true. He was smart. I remember he was in the smarter classes with my friends. Earlier this summer I was filling my car up with gas while talking to a friend when he walked out of the snack shop. I was in mid conversation and was only able to smile at him when he passed and I guess it was an air "hi, we used to be friends, i see your doing well, bye". I heard from the grape vine, because living on a small island everyone knows everyone else's business, that he liked to party but so did a lot of high schoolers from the island who had nothing better to do. If the rumor is true, seriously who thought that a little 'partying' could become so bad. A habit that can kill, and apparently did. I pray that God will take care of his soul as he was a man who deserved to find heaven. I hope that heaven is the very least of what he found. I seriously cannot think of a time where I ever got mad at him or a time that anyone ever complained or talked badly of him. My most fond memory of him was the day he met up with my little brother and I at the park to play basketball. It was a Valentine's day and we were friends just trying to have some fun while our friends celebrated the sappy holiday. He genuinely had fun playing ball with my brother and I and I cannot remember a single moment in my life that I have ever seen him frowning. He was always always smiling. Even after a test or the WASLE (standardized test). I remember when he started dating my best friend at the time and came and met up with us at the lake. Even though we matched with our pasty white skin he still found a way to make a joke out of it. And even though my friend and I loved to read girly magazines and 'tan' in the sun, he still made it fun for the three of us. I cannot think of a single negative thing about Trevor. I pray for all those who knew him and miss him especially his family. I know that he will be greatly missed.

It's 12:30. I haven't heard anything from him since 8. I promised myself I wouldn't text or call or anything and just let him be with his friends. I can't stand not knowing what he's doing. What if he's drunk and sees another girl? It's weird to me that when I'm out with my friends he always needs to know what I'm doing or where I am but when he's with his friends he gets mad if I text him too much. This is frustrating. I have to get up at 8 for work. What do you do in this situation? My friends tell me to let him go and if he does anything than I would want him to do it now rather than wait until further into our relationship to find out he's that kind of guy. But in my experience every guy is that kind of guy given the right circumstances. Alcohol is always involved and being out with the buddies and unreachable by phone.. and unsatisfied with the current relationship. I'm gonna go nuts worrying but what the heck. I always text him and tell him what's up. You think he could at least return the favor? And how late is he going to be out? How late is reasonable? What if he's out all night and says nothing bad happened? Who is going to know the answers to my questions? How do all these girls seem so stress free and relaxed in these relationships with guys that like to go out and drink with their buddies?

Hold the Mayo and by Mayo I mean Whining

I feel like when there are a lot of girls interested in a guy, it makes him more appealing. It drives me nuts whenever my boyfriend has any contact with a female species unless it's me and I don't know why. But I feel like if girls weren't interested in him at all and i truly were the only girl that ever commented on his facebook, he would be less alluring to me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if there were guys commenting on his facebook too but it's just a juvenile website that should have no importance to me anyway, right? Well. I ate at the cafe in my store during my lunch break the other day and their system of doing things was a bit odd to what I am used to doing in a cafe. You go up to the register, order your food, pay, then take the receipts with you in a little restaurant bill booklet to a table where a waiter picks it up and asks you questions then retrieves your food and water or other previously paid for drink. At the very end my waiter brought back my copy of the receipt with two pieces of chocolate and his business card. I thought this was odd but maybe he was looking for a good tip. On his card he hand wrote his name and put lots of exclamation marks and zig-zag-underlined the thank you. I don't know why a waiter would ever give someone their business card. Nordstrom provides business cards for its salespeople to give out to build customer rep ore because when salespeople get to know the customer they can show them clothing they know the customer would like, etc. So am I supposed to call in the cafe and ask the waiter if there are any new foods that I would like? I felt bad because I didn't have any cash to tip with and I didn't know this whole system whether we were supposed to tip or not so I snuck out the side entrance. Like I'd never see this guy again, yeah right. I saw him when I was running to the bathroom with a tampon in my hand during my shift today. Awkward. Not because of the tampon but because I found out later that we were in fact supposed to tip. Then again, a coworker told me that she had eaten there and did not get a business card so she thought this waiter must've been hitting on me. Me with my frumpy clothes that I borrowed from my mom because I don't have a lot of business formal outfits yet. Either way now it's going to be very awkward if I want to eat at the cafe again or whenever I see this waiter because if he was hitting on me or trying to gain a bigger tip, he failed in doing both.

I know that my not little but younger brother has been sneaking out at night under my nose but I'm just so tired and sleep so soundly. My parents do hardly any parenting with him. He does what he wants and has that teenage boy mentality that he is invincible. Not that disciplined teenage mentality that he can do what he wants within the rules because of fear of the consequences or even just the knowledge that consequences exist, which don't exist right now for my brother. My grandma likes to say that he's the pet of the family and always has been. Maybe my parents are getting tired or treat him older than his young mind because of how big he is. I really think that he is lacking a lot of structure that is going to create problems when he is living on his own. Everything is taken care of for him as far as laundry, food, and money and whenever he has some sort of problem or gets in trouble my parents just fix it for him without consequences so he never learns. I know for a fact that he was coming home drunk or sneaking out and drinking so I told my parents what was happening. Because I knew about this problem and I brought it to their attention, they just expected me to be the parent and find a solution and make this behavior stop. Right.

I had to move back home to "save money" but I've been eating out more while living here then when I was on my own because of the lack of food around here. How does my mom expect me to eat at home if she doesn't buy groceries that I'll eat? I don't always eat out at restaurants, I buy stuff at the grocery store too. But how is that saving money? It completely defeats the purpose of living at home to have my parents provide me food which they have yet to do. Before my parents left for a 5 day trip one of my parents asked me what to buy from costco. I don't know what happened but nothing I asked for was bought, a costco trip was never made, and they left with not even milk in the fridge. Anytime I say anything my concerns are pushed aside and a more "pressing" issue is brought up. My parents decided to buy a house and rent out the rooms so that my older brother and I could live their for free during school. The decision to buy this house was never discussed with me yet somehow it has been assigned to be my responsibility to find tenants for the house and when a possible tenant backed out of the house, my parents have been harassing me to find a new tenant. I don't see any of the money they are making off this house and barely live there for free. I would almost rather pay my own rent somewhere else so I wouldn't have to do all of their work. It would be easier on me to pay my own rent at this point I feel like and move in with my boyfriend. He has been asking me to move in with him now that we have been dating for almost 2 years and I have agreed with him but it's not convenient for my parents and I'm still a dependent somehow. When I'm living on my own and am not constantly seeing my parents I don't get as mad about all the things I disagree with that they are doing. All my frustrations are magnified when living here. Hard to end on a negative note but I lost all positivity in my tiredness.

I always shake my towel before I dry off on it

I think God has a sense of humor. Otherwise He wouldn't've created a type of worm that makes humans itch their booty. Anyway, so we keep our towels hung up on a hook and reuse them multiple showers. There was one time after a satisfying cleanse I was towel drying my hair then I did my routine wrapping of myself in the towel. I felt a huge drop roll down my face and went to wipe it off when I discovered it was a giant spider crawling down my face from my towel. I freaked out obviously and threw the spider off me which it then crawled under the bathroom rug. I lifted the rug up to catch that little bugger only to find two spiders crawling around under there! I threw the rug back down and stomped on it then crumpled it into a ball intending to throw it into the laundry room. Just as I was thinking to myself "Oh You. You are so funny. You're lucky that You are God", another spider popped out of nowhere on the wall by the toilet. Oy. I let that lucky varmint be and just laughed to myself. I feel like now whenever I see a spider it's like God and I's inside joke.

So I dyed my hair. It's supposed to be red but it's more of a strawberry blonde and continues to lighten from the sun. I had to keep it natural looking for my job. So far I have seen lots of people that I used to go to high school with around town and no one has recognized me and of course I'm too shy to bother saying hi. Sometimes I just don't like people. Lately I've been enjoying time hanging out with myself. I just got my packages in the mail full of my new workout clothes and my theory tested true. I like working out more often now that I have cute workout clothes. I always tell people this when they come in at Nordstrom but now I can testify my own experience. Today in the gym I wanted to workout longer to show off my new bright blue workout pants but couldn't when my left leg muscles nearly tripped me down the stairs. I'll probably be sore tomorrow.

Old Friends New Enemies

I know I should be sleeping right now but I can't. I have to get up at 6 tomorrow for beach volleyball training and then I work from 11AM to 8PM. I had a great night with my boyfriend. We made dinner together and hung out enjoying each other's company. He is my bestfriend. When I reflect back to all the bestfriends I've gone through in my life, I never expected my bestfriend to end up being my boyfriend. I've always had a best girl friend to gossip about my boyfriend to. Now it's like my boyfriend and I gossip together about his friends or professors or sports. I've gone through a lot of bestfriends not on purpose but just the way life happened. After I lost my first bestfriend because she was too busy doing drugs to be my friend, I had my friend Sammy. We've known each other since the 5th grade. We are still friends but since various things in high school and college, we've grown apart. My other bestfriend since the 9th grade, Lauren, and I grew apart when she went to college out of state. In high school, Lauren and Sam both tried to be a part of the same clique. I hung out with those girls a couple times and just didn't find them very fun or interesting. Lauren told me how they liked to gossip about people, including about me, so obviously I wasn't going to waste my time trying to fit into their clique. I was also told that Sam didn't stand up for me and even contributed to the gossip since we were best friends and she knew all the "dirt" on me. Our friendship never really recovered the same after I confronted her about it. Why would I want to be close with someone who was just going to bad mouth me to other people for entertainment? I'm still friends with her today but she often likes to talk bad about her current best friend to me when we do talk. I had this other friend that picked up on that rivalry between Sam and Lauren who used to tell me how all my other friends were bad for me. She was partially right but I loved Sammy and Lauren just like any high school girl loves all her friends. We were on again off again friends but I don't remember why anymore. She was always a good friend to me and never did anything wrong. We don't talk anymore because after her dad died from a brain tumor, she changed completely. I worry that she's turned to drugs and alcohol but that's partially the reason we don't talk anymore. She only thinks about herself now and when she's going to party again. I tried to intervene and help her by bringing her to the church I attend on campus but that didn't help. I heard through the grapevine that she's engaged and I worry that the next time I hear something about her it's going to be in an obituary. How many people can a person loose in a lifetime to drugs and alcohol? The other day I was talking on the phone with Sammy about her new bf and she told me to hop on facebook to see his picture. I was at my parents house and the computer was on so I was like alright. My little brother's facebook popped up and Sammy and I agreed that I should snoop. There was tons of messages between him and his friends filled with plans of drinking and one even about smoking. I was shocked. He spelled it out right there saying OK guys I'll hang out with you guys until my 11:30 curfew then I'll go home and "go to bed" then I'll sneak back out around 12. Woah. One message had some guy telling my brother Epic stealing that alc. That was legendary. I'm guessing he had to of stolen it from my parents because where we live there are cameras everywhere and everyone who's tried to steal alc has been caught. I don't understand what is so great about alcohol. Is living life really that bad that you have to risk getting kicked off the basketball team and losing everything you have for alcohol? Maybe I'll understand when I turn 21 in a couple months but I'm afraid because of the things I've witnessed. Maybe all this is why my boy friend is my best friend. I know that he will never do anything to hurt me, he will never talk bad about me, he will always choose me over any drug or alcohol, and we have this crazy connection. We always text each other at the same time or I'll start to do something he's about to ask me to do or he'll say something I'm about to say. It's like we can read each other's minds. August is our year and a half anniversary and I have never dated anyone for that long before. It's kind of scary to think about but I can't imagine living my life with anyone else.

So my job is taking over my life right now. When I sleep, I dream about being at work. In my dream I am filling orders and my feet are hurting and I'm super drained. When I wake up, I get up and get ready for work and go work for 9 hours. After work my feet throb and I lay down until I fall asleep and dream about work before I do it all over again. I missed a lot of things because work is very demanding of my time right now. There are a couple people I really like working with though. My friend Angela is so funny. We were talking about how bad our feet were hurting and she was talking about how her heels are literally bruised from being on them so long. It was so funny the way she was walking so they wouldn't hurt. I'm sure I looked the same. We were working together on something and I finally had to ask her. I asked if she was Angela Nordstrom of THE Nordstroms and she said yes. I apologized for asking because she probably heard it all the time but she said it's not a big deal because I was sincere about it. She told me about all the things people would do in high school that were totally rude but funny because of the way she told it. After she told me that her heels were bruised I had to check mine and see. Lo and behold, my heels are bruised as well. I'm hoping my feet learn so they stop hurting all the time.

I wish I had something more exciting to talk about than work, but literally that is my life right now besides training for beach volleyball.

Misses Nordstrom

I had my first day "job shadowing" today at Nordstrom. I worked with the other Nordstrom trainies and met the rest of the department. I watched as the one guy that works at our department sparked an interest in one of the girls. They were both cute. I could tell by listening in to their conversations he was trying really hard to talk to her. She was cute, had a fashionable outfit on, and a nice diamond ring. Her name was Angela and she talked a bit about her mom working at lingerie and how her mom found it difficult to work in that department and it wasn't as easy as it looks. She also talked about how her grandma owned a hotel walking distance from Nordstrom and that she kept one of the floors for her and her grandma to live on. I was like wow that must be so cool to live at a hotel for the summer. We all worked together and put clothes away from the fitting rooms, answered phones, filled orders, took clothes to be altered, called customers, and rung up sales and returns. My 4 hour job shadowing shift seemed to be short but my feet were killing me. I need better shoes, or at least ones that my foot inserts actually fit into. This girl and I compared mental notes on the job and I helped show her how to log out. I knew her name was Angela but after I helped her log out and was about to log out myself, I noticed her full name. I work with Angela Nordstrom. It all makes sense. I learned from the training video that every single Nordstrom started out as a sales person before they became executives in their family business. Either way I really like my job and I'm hoping to stay on for more than just the July sale. I really think that I could do this job while taking classes and there are no chances that a chef would threaten me with a knife. Win win.

I hung out with my kids this morning at Starbucks. Brings back memories of when we would hang out over the summer and goof off. I'm over 2 decades old but when we were goofing off around the grocery store having a blast picking out lunch, an employee asked us if we needed any help and glared at us as if we were hoodlums. Yes I fit right in with my kids but today was the first time I truly felt old. I can't wait to be a parent and have kids of my own. I mean, I can wait but being responsible for these kids for 5 days out of the week was such a blast.

While I was out, my other baby was in getting groomed for the first time. Poor guy was stark naked when he came home. Every year around this time he gets itchy skin. Golden retrievers tend to have hip problems and sensitive skin. Both of which my baby has. He's had to wear the cone of shame for the past couple of weeks. He can't sneak up on you now. He can barely fit through the hallways of my house banging into chairs and doorways. He is such a cute clumsy pup.

The rest of the day I spent hiding from the spiders I crawled through while I was weeding the yard. There's this show called intervention I was watching. They follow around an addict for awhile before gathering the family to intervene and try to send the addict to rehab. All the addicts are super extreme. I feel like this show over simplifies things. It tries to capture the feelings underlying the addict from a childhood trauma or family problems. But what about the addicts who are suffering who have the perfect family and had no childhood problems? What about the partier who takes things too far and continues the drug use outside the party? There's this girl I know that has a great family who loves her and spoils her to death. She started partying because she could and there wasn't much else to do. Her lifestyle took her all over the place except college. It never truly became an issue to the point where someone would find it intervention worthy but it did take her far enough to cause serious damage. A young drunk and high girl took a trip that landed her in a stranger's hotel room. She wound up pregnant with a guy she didn't know, not even his name. Considering what could've happened, she was lucky. She was lucky she didn't catch a life threatening s.t.d. But still, she had no excuse for the decisions she made. No family problems or childhood issues. Grew up in a fantastic neighborhood, went to great schools. How do you deal with something like that? No underlying issues to work through to solve the problem that's causing the addiction. I don't understand that TV show, "Intervention". After seeing one episode, I can't imagine watching that as entertainment.

Real life drug addictions involve more than just solving some hidden issue. When you are physically addicted to a drug, the brain changes to compensate for the drug so you need the drug to be "normal". It also causes the user to increase the amount used to get that same high feeling thus continuing the addiction further. Every addiction like this has severe side affects that can eventually lead to death due to various complications. Past the physical side of addiction, psychologically people get addicted because it's more than a drug, it's a lifestyle. Many people who are addicted to smoking cigarettes enjoy the social aspects of talking to other smokers, etc. Others feel psychologically dependent on drugs to numb bad feelings left from other areas of their life. Most people on the show "Intervention" are suffering from both physical and psychological drug addictions but the psychological dependency is very clear and obvious that they are numbing some greater issue. They try and solve the psychological issues with the family and then send the addict off to rehab for their physical addiction. The episode I watched they followed up on the addict as he relapsed several times and currently was barely 30 days clean. I don't think the show was entertaining and was sad and embarrassing to watch.

I start my job bright and early tomorrow morning. First impressions are everything. We'll see how it goes.

Waste not Fresh Tears over Old Griefs

I believe Euripides wrote that. I wish I knew this saying a long time ago. I'm the type of person to dwell on the past, at times unknowingly. My boyfriend is so amazing. He treats me so well and every date he takes me on feels like the first date. But for some reason every time he tells me he's going out to a bar with his buddies, whether he's drinking or not, I have a mini freak out. We are almost in constant contact and see each other almost everyday. He has never done anything wrong, is truthful, and treats me with respect. Our relationship has comparatively been better than anyone else's I know. But for some reason I can't get out of my head that fear that the past has left me with. Every relationship prior to my current one has ended with the guy cheating on me, and usually involved alcohol. I think there's this thing called a pearl necklace. I don't know exactly what it's called but apparently it's where a girl gives a guy hickeys all the way around the neck like a pearl necklace. There was this guy I used to date in high school that showed up to school one Monday with a pearl necklace from a party he got drunk at that weekend. I took the bus with him to school, ate lunch with him, and ran into him in the hall towards the end of the school day before I noticed. He must've done a good job hiding it under his baggy coat but seriously. If you have a girlfriend how dumb can you be to go and do that. I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 2 years now and still have had nightmares about me finding hickeys on his neck left by other girls. He would never do that and I know that he loves me more than anything but still old grieves have dug into my amygdala (meaning "almond" in Greek for its shape and is part of emotional learning in the brain as well as a large role in fear). Most of my relationships have ended similarly. There was this guy that lied to me about almost everything. I dated him for a long time and he was able to hide the fact that he was a smoker the whole time. He would come over on nights before I had a volleyball tournament and leave early to go to a party. He ended up leaving me for his ex girlfriend who would party with him. I'm definitely not a partier. My boyfriend is my best friend and I am lucky to have one of the most honest and caring guys. Yet just last night when I was leaving after our Contra dancing date he mentioned he might go over to his frat to hang out with his friends that same night. I tried not to show it but when he saw that I was worried he changed his mind to make me comfortable. Thank you mom and dad for the bad anxiety gene.

My boyfriend took me to Victoria for Valentine's day and our one year anniversary. We had so much fun and it was very romantic. I'm allowed to get into bars there so we went out a lot to fancy places, of course I drank rootbeer. We always joke about that night being our first date. At one place, we were sitting at the bar and I was drinking water while he had a beer. We were joking around talking like it was our first date and he was like "so you comin back to my hotel room?" and I joked "that's not very appropriate for our first date" and he goes "yeah well you're not that hot anyway". After that this guy on the other side of him came over and started talking with us trying to pick me up as if it was his big chance hearing me reject my boyfriend's hotel offer. There have been other times that we would be talking like it's our first date and then he would tell me that he loves me and then I would say "don't you think it's a bit early to be telling me that?". The looks on people's faces sitting near us. Priceless. There was this other time we were eating at a fancy seafood restaurant and I say "Impressive place to take me on our first date" and my boyfriend goes "Yeah well it was a tie between here and McDonalds" and the guy at the table behind us turned around and giggled. Their table was full of elderly people who kept looking over to see how our "first date" was going throughout the dinner. It was hysterical. I think one of the ladies even said good luck to my boyfriend as we were leaving.

Elderly love. I was in the bathroom at this place my boyfriend and I went Contra dancing at and couldn't help listening in to the conversation of the elderly women who were putting on their big skirts to twirl in. One woman was thanking the other for getting her out of the house to go dancing and meet lots of cute men. Well, I met a lot of those "cute" men throughout the night as well. When you are dancing this type of dance you often have a "trail partner" who is the same person you always come back to during the dance. You also dance with a lot of different people, almost everyone in a long chain. It's hard to describe but I ended up dancing with a large array of men. Old smelly ones and older frisky ones. My trail partner was an old friend who was a bit more experienced in Contra dancing than my boyfriend but my boyfriend and I plan to work up to where we are good enough to dance together. It was very cute to see elderly couples wearing matching outfits with their trail partners. Most of the women wore flowy skirts for twirling (and some of the more colorful men wore skirts as well) but the color themes between partners were evident. I guess all the real serious Contra dancers wear skirts. I'll have to go get one for next time..

Soon

Life is short. My grandparents are in town for a week or two and it's tough for me to look at them and see how much they've aged since the last time I've seen them. When I was younger I used to think that no one ever changed. No one grew old. However people were when I saw them, that's how they would be forever. Obviously since then I have learned better than that. Watching my parents age, watching my grandparents age, looking into the mirror to a more mature face has given me a strong sense of mortality. What am I going to do with my life? I feel like time is wasting and I have to hurry up and decide. Everything jumps out at me. I want to do everything, see everything, taste everything, live everywhere.

Have you ever watched a movie where everyone in it has a British accent then find yourself thinking in a British accent for the next 45 minutes? Or how about having a conversation with someone with an accent and then all of a sudden it becomes a struggle to talk to them without copying their accent? Hmm. I forget what I was going to say.. The guy who plays House has an accent in real life. I wonder if there's a youtube video of him talking with his natural accent...

I've had writers block for awhile.. I've always tried to live my life in a way that if it were a book or TV show, I'd want to watch it. Time to speed up again so I have something to write

Oh one more thing. Martin Ssempa never responded to my email. I wonder if he even read it. I did turn that in to my African literature class for extra credit along with a 2 page description of why it had to do with the class etc etc.. which got me a really good grade in the class at least.

I don't want to Run Around In Circles

My Grammy bought me a bunch of new work clothes for my new job. She made me try them on for everyone in my family. If anyone were to say they didn't like them then my Grammy would exchange them for something else. My dad warned that they better not be "slutty" because God forbid his daughter be a slut. Well, obviously they were all quite classy and formal enough to work at Nordstrom. Everyone liked my new outfits and my Pup-pup (grandpa) even took pictures. Later that evening my boyfriend of almost 2 years joined us for a family dinner. We have always been really careful in front of my parents acting more like associates than boyfriend and girlfriend. Recently my dad made a comment saying that it didn't look like I cared very much about my bf so I figured we should up the ante and hold hands in front of my parents. After my bf left and I was held hostage longer to sit and listen to my parents bicker about financials, my dad began to pick on me about my relationship once again. He tried to be sneaky about it which I found rather annoying. He listed off a bunch of failed marriages of those who got serious at a young age. He said I should date around and date lots of guys. Oh wait, but isn't there a word for girls like that? Who "date" around? Isn't that something my dad specifically said he did not want? Now he is telling me to date lots of guys. During this conversation my Grammy chimed in saying that she married my Pup-pup at 23 and they have been married for more than 50 years. Hm. I don't want to get married young. But I also don't see a reason my bf and I would ever break up. I think 23 is too young to get married. I am also a bit conservative when it comes to relationships and would not want to "date around". I think girls like that are skanks.

I think a lot of the double standards between me and my brothers have to do with the fact that I'm a girl, the only girl. But I think that my snowboard accident impacted the way they treat me as well. When I was in the 6th grade my family took a ski trip to Mt. Baker. I think this was the first time I ever saw my guardian angel. I was going down a bunny slope trying to pick up speed for a jump, as it was not unusual for me to try and keep up with my brothers. My older brother was ready to take a picture of me going off a jump so to me the stakes were high. I thought to myself, I'm on a bunny slope. I have nothing to lose. So I went as fast as I could on the icy bumpy path and just before the jump, where someone fell and made a dent before the ice froze over, I lost control and bit it. I thought it was quite funny since I got all worked up for the climax to be a train wreck. It seemed I had just got the wind knocked out of me and I lay there kind of giggling to myself probably looking like a mad woman. A snow patroler came out of no where on a snow mobile to ask if I was OK. He came from up the mountain, where I had just come from which was weird because I never saw any patrolers that early in the morning. I thought I was fine but he insisted on taking me down the mountain just to be safe. When I walked into the orange walled building, my line of vision shrunk until it was all black. I remember feeling like I was flying and I dreamt that I was overlooking the mountain. The next thing I knew there was a pleasantly plump nurse lady trying to jab an I.V. into a vain and the guy who brought me in was no where to be seen. I had to switch heads of the bed so she could try again on the other arm. I was really in a daze. I never really thought much was wrong at this point. I remember being in La La Land as they told me that there was a helicopter on standby while we waited for the ambulance to climb the mountain. Once in the ambulance, the fast turns felt like my insides were jumbling around. That was the only time my stomach hurt. It just sort of felt like I ate something my tummy didn't like and I was going to be gassy later. When I got to the hospital, it was barely 2 minutes before they had me in that big body scanner thing that you see on House. My mom was in the room with the doctor asking him what everything was but then she was kicked out when everything inside me was a blur because of all the internal bleeding. Not 10 minutes later, they were explaining to my mom that I needed exploratory surgery to figure out what was going on and off I went down the hall to the operation room. I never cried or worried one time except for this moment. They had drugs going into my I.V. and put an oxygen mask thingy on me like in the movies and picked me up and placed me onto the metal operation table. At this moment I began to freak out because they were going to cut me open and I was wide awake. I was trying to scream "I'm still awake!" when I passed out. Next thing I know I'm so thirsty I could've drank the whole entire Lake Chelan but all I was aloud to have was ice cubes. What kind of torture was this! Since they ripped open my stomach, my insides weren't quite working yet so anything I ate or drank would be immediately thrown back up or sucked out through the tube that went through my nose. I'm telling you, I had a tube coming out of every hole of my body. At this moment, the severity of what I had gone through had not hit me and all I cared about were those little ice cubes in the Styrofoam cup my mom held. The discomfort of the tubes or I.V. did not bother me as I was zoned in on those cold cubed delights. I think I remember seeing my grandma? or my aunt? I don't know because I passed out again for another who knows how long.

During this time, our family trip to Mt. Baker was cut short after just one day of being there and my brothers stayed at my grandma's house. My mom stayed with me and my dad, learning about my newly compromised immune system, cleaned my entire room at home. My dad doesn't like to do much house work and prefers that his children clean up after him so I could tell that he was a bit paranoid about his daughter. Friends and family sent flowers and teddy bears and pajamas and slippers and get well cards.

At some point either during the surgery or after, not sure when, my left lung collapsed. I remember being wheeled down some floors to this x-ray room to look at my lungs. I also had to use this special inhaler thingy that looked sorta like there was a piece of dried ice inside by the way the medicine floated out. Slowly as I began to regain strength, I had to work up to the point to where they could take some of the tubes out of my holes. The tube that went through my nose down into my stomach was connected to a machine that was constantly sucking anything out of my stomach to keep me from throwing up. They would disconnect the "suction" for periods of time to work up to the point where they could take the tube out of me completely. The first time they unhooked the tube from the machine, I sat there thinking this isn't so bad. But I must've thought too soon because the next thing I know I was leaning over the edge of my bed throwing up. Whoops. The other tubes that were down below were easily taken out as soon as I was recovered enough to walk myself to the bathroom. As for the other tubes, I had a fun time with the I.V.s they stuck in me. Every so many hours, I think it was about 8 hours, they had to change the I.V. Well, I was in the hospital for well over a week so I became the human pin cushion. They even at one point had to put an I.V. on the sensitive part of my hand opposite side of my palm. I remember the first time I woke up, besides being incredibly thirsty, I was afraid to touch my stomach. I was all bandaged up but I didn't want any of my guts to spill out. One of the nurses tripped on a cord and almost fell on me. That was it for her. My mom went and complained and got a different nurse. Also, when we found out that my spleen was the culprit and ruptured blood all over my insides, my mom asked if we could take it home in a jar. Ha. They said they had to ship it off for further testing to see if it could have been saved in the case that someone else had a similar injury. Thank God for that. I'm sure my parents would've saved it for when I was aloud to start dating to show off to any guy I brought home. Gross. Towards the end of my stay at the St. Joseph's hospital, I began to drool over food commercials. This was a good sign because it meant my insides would soon start working again. I won't mention what they had to do to jump start the engine because it was unpleasant enough experiencing it. I don't remember what the first thing was that I ate but the first thing I craved was movie theater popcorn. Weird.

I had to wait a long time before I could go back to school because of germs, etc. My spleen ruptured and was removed compromising my immune system permanently. Magically, that was the only thing wrong. Usually this injury is accompanied with broken and/or bruised ribs but I was lucky and was hit exactly in the right spot. My left lung collapsed as a result to such drastic surgery. I recently had a ultra sound for digestive problems and all that is there is this empty shadow where my spleen used to be. Like a crater inside my body. Because of that crater and the gender I was born with, I often am suffocated by my parents while my brothers get away with murder, figuratively that is.

Worldly News

I wrote a letter today. I wrote it in anger actually. I was watching this interesting show called "Missionaries of Hate". Uganda is an interesting place. 90% of Uganda is Christian and the other 10% is Muslim. There has been a law banning being gay but most recently they are trying to bring to parliament a punishment to gays of death. For what? For being who they are? Paster Martin Ssempa, I don't even want to call him a paster, preaches to young people about why this law should be passed. Well, I suppose I can just paste the letter here so I don't have to repeat myself.

Dear Martin Ssempa,

I am embarrassed of you and the light you are putting on the Christian faith because of what you have been doing. I am a Caucasian American female attending the University Of Washington, highly educated, straight, and Christian. I watched a video with some of the obscenities you preach and about the anti-gay law you are trying to pass in addition to what is already in law in Uganda. Some of the ideas that you impose on your listeners are shockingly moronic. I cannot believe you call yourself a Christian, and a preacher at that. You are speaking the devil’s words opening a gateway to hate, genocide, and evil. There is a mass movement happening in Uganda against gay people. Not only have you been spreading these ideas but you are encouraging hate and violence against people who are only guilty of being themselves. Jesus taught the world to love. He said that for one to hate is the same as committing a sin of murder. Hate is a sin thus for you to hate someone who is gay is a sin. You are a sinner calling yourself a preacher. You are hate’s fuel throughout Uganda. Do I need to dumb down what I am saying because you have proven yourself to be very unintelligent? You showed porn while preaching to try and prove that all gay people practice disgusting things. Why were you looking at this porn in the first place? And do you think that you can generalize and say that all gay men do that because of a porn video you watched? These are the kinds of idiotic things I am talking about that you are doing. Please do the world a favor and go educate yourself before you say another word or preach to another young audience.

One ludicrous idea you charge is that there are gay people recruiting children like it’s a club you can decide to join. I understand that you and your ideas seem to be secluded and that may be clouding your judgment. I have been studying psychology including scientific reasons someone can discover that they like the same sex so here is a quick lesson as to why one cannot be persuaded or bribed to become gay. There are very specific hormones that are necessary for a baby to develop in the mother’s womb. Androgens and Estrogens are the male and female hormones. They both need to be present, however, in male and females during development and puberty. A baby can be feminized or masculinized in the womb if there is an imbalance in these hormones causing the baby to look female or look male but feel like the opposite sex. This causes their orientation later in life to be towards the same sex. This does not make them any less human. It can happen in anyone. One cannot choose to all of a sudden feel a certain way towards a particular gender. Nature decided how they would feel and babies are born with personalities. Their environment also plays a role as to how they act out their feelings. This is not evil. It is God’s creation. God creates us in his own image, as the Bible says, so if he creates a man who is gay than you must accept that man. I encourage you to read more about neural development but I am not expecting you to understand much due to the lunacy that I have heard come out of your mouth. You are an evil man and I hope that the one true God and Jesus Christ will truly enter your heart because right now you are preaching for the Devil.

Sincerely,

Elizabeth Miller
A United States Citizen

I wonder if he is going to email me back. There was an anti-gay activist that was recently caught with a gay prostitute. Interesting. I wonder if this unintelligent "paster" is gay as well. Ugh people in this world can be so dumb. So many dur-de-dur moments. We all have them but when someone in a high position has one, there are extreme consequences. This oil spill clean-up is going to take a long time. It took them, what, a month just to cap the leak? I thought humans are supposed to be smart. We invented computers and cars and cotton candy. Why are there so many difficulties and dur-de-dur moments still happening? People need to shut up, stop being racist, and read a book. Go get educated. I'm working on it. Lead by example right?

Feeling kinda monday

Most of my favorite songs seem to be in C major, one of the simplest keys to play in. No sharps or flats to throw you off the boardwalk. I also noticed myself skipping past songs written in minor keys. Something sounded so negative and almost like a sad wail I wanted to go back into my simple world of C major butterflies. And I like waltz's but I have such bad balance I feel like I am going to stumble and fall in the middle of the dance floor when I hear the tricky three note in one beat quick flickering of notes through the waltz. Like a sentence you need to finish before breathing as the thump thump thump of the bass clef chords let you catch your breath at the end of a long complaint of notes. Yes, I think I like the simplicity and majestic tones of a song in C major. My majorette likes to march along in my head against a cool breeze or relax out in the sun with a lie-back-and-drink-lemonade kind of daze as the sounds of the piano lure away any stormy thoughts. Maybe I just miss playing the piano but I am also very biased towards songs with just the piano. I love the sound of a full orchestra like a gust of wind strong enough to knock over your garbage-can but sometimes I just want that simple song delightfully pieced together with just the white teeth of a grand baby. My C major so deliciously scooped together from the vanilla buttons I crave at the end of the day. But this Piano Concerto No. 23 in A major by Mozart makes a compelling argument like making it to the top of a grass hill barefoot and finally getting to run back down it faster and faster up and down with only 3 black bumblebees to watch out for. Bragging with clarinets the sophistication of playing with 3 black candles letting the wax run down the side so smoothly. But the violins blow in a sort of wind that reminds me of my C major cool breeze.

Today I made a few breezes of my own as I reached for tissue after tissue turning my nose the same pink my cheeks turned when I had to speak in front of a class of at least 70. I don't know if my cold resulted from this ad-libbing massacre or if skipping my allergy medicine for one day can result in a sinus infection. Either way I definitely do not like being the center of attention these days. There was once a time back in the day that I did like to have all eyes on me, I think. In high school I played volleyball and thought I was really good at it, and I still am, I think, since I've been playing all my life. I was outside hitter and I owned my position, or so I thought. After I spiked the ball and got a kill I would give a stare at the other team and put my hands out to my sides as if I were saying what couldn't you pass that? I remember a girl in my stats class bringing this up during the "weekly review" we had with the class. Just like I am now, I didn't like to say much in front of my class but to me this girl said the most meaningful and loaded words that stand out in my memory. She said something like I never realized this but Liz Miller is freakin hilarious on the volleyball court and said something regarding my flaunting ritual after I got a really good hit. More fans began showing up. We always had a fairly packed gym of fans but still, nothing can compare to a gym full chanting your last name.

Piano Concerto No. 18 in B flat major by Mozart... I forgot about the false likelihood that lures you in and then just as you are relaxing into your seat the song reminds you why it is dangerous to ride with flats. Running back and forth between two notes going back and forth in a indecision unable to decide. Sounds too similar to me for me to like. An indecisive song is not going to encourage me to make my mind up faster, even though the concluding notes find a good decision to end on, it still takes a long time to get there. But there is something satisfying about listening to a song start out with a question and then contemplate it with an array of jumbled notes but end with a straight forward answer, like the dong of a bell, a complicated song ending with a simple chord. I think I'd still rather my happy C major song full of different questions with immediate answers with a bow at the end as if showing off your math skills. Maybe I just need to start practicing the piano again and contemplate my own questions and answer them with my fingers.

I held my breath as I passed through a puff of rude smoke. I had to re calculate my route when some creeper guy stood smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk and looked me up and down and followed me with his eyes as I passed making a big curve away from the creep right through someone's cigarette smoke as they blissfully and ignorantly puffed away while waiting at a bus stop. Did you have to take a breath at the end of that sentence? Because that's how I felt after I got across the street and evaluated what I had just walked past. Some men these days have no decency; whistling out their window at girls maybe a third their age. Maybe as I get further into my psychology studies I will find out that there is some major epidemic of creeperness in the male population ages 35 to 60. Or maybe the radioactive waste at Hanford finally reached the Columbia river and we're all slowly being poisoned as we hydrate ourselves, some of it going straight to the brains of middle aged men. Either way, my life is filled with instances of uncomfortable situations because of some disturbing fascination middle aged men have with making young girls feel repulsed. I dress conservatively and feel that same amount of unwanted attention from nasty obnoxious men as do girls who try to flaunt what they got to get that extra attention. Until today I don't think I have ever reflected on how uncomfortable I can be by just one unwanted stair by a creepy stranger.

As if the world needed something else to worry about, the United States government used human testing to see what would happen if, I don't know, radiation was injected into the blood stream, or how about feeding children radiation injected oatmeal. When an explosion occurs at a nuclear power plant and radiation is falling from the sky into your city, would you want to know about it? The Soviet Union tried to play this off in Chernobyl until they were caught when SWEDEN's nuclear power plant alarms went off for heightened levels of radioactivity and they began to investigate where the hell this was coming from. It took 6 DAYS for the nearby city to be evacuated. A large fraction of the rescue squad from the explosion died within 3 months from all the exposure to radioactivity without protective gear. The Soviet Union wasn't going to say anything about this and let people continue living their lives in cancerous radioactivity causing things like thyroid cancer and those exposed long term affects in their kids like down syndrome, chromosomal aberrations, and neural tube defects. Those who were working at the time of the accident were told to continue working at their stations. Radioactive rain was experienced in the UNITED STATES. But, the United States buried radioactive waste some odd miles away from Point Hope, Alaska without using any of the usual precautions such as encasing the material in some sort of container or how about informing the residents of such a dump. It wasn't until an anthropologist went to this unique community to study them that alarms went off with all the cases of cancer deaths. The U.S. government said oh must be your lifestyle choices smoking with your religious ceremonies. Not. Or how about when the U.S. drew blood, filled it with radioactivity, then injected it back into the Marshallese test subjects. Who would consent to that? They didn't. They were forced to. How about going outside to see it raining a strange gray material into your water supply? How many Americans would like that? Oh wait but you haven't heard the best part, that gray material is radioactive and you just drank it because you were told it was safe to drink anyway. All but a handful of the Marshallese have survived this radioactive testing performed by the U.S. government. Now they are facing famine because their food sources are still contaminated from the atomic bombs dropped. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8fRvH1nPGo is a 6th grade choir singing in Marshallese. Notice how a lot of the words they sing are in English because their language has never needed the words like bombs or leukemia. It scares me what the government is capable of getting away with. You hear about the genocide happening in Africa or child labor in China but you never hear about how the U.S. poisoned its people and poisoned communities to study its affects. Well duh radiation is deadly. How much more do you need to know? What is the purpose of these "studies"?

That was a long boring rant. Reading optional I suppose. I always critique people I hear talking who sound uninformed or naive. But really I think the whole world is a little bit naive. There are some things that have happened that some people are better off not knowing, I guess. Live happier lives that way I suppose.

I can hear the pouring rain

I reminisced playing the "Sugar Plum Fairy" from The Nut Cracker piano accompaniment with my middle school orchestra. It had a long piano solo in the middle of the song where it was just me without any other instrument. This was the most difficult piece I have ever mastered. Every time I was called up to the front of the class to practice on the piano with the orchestra, my face turned the color of a juicy ripe tomato. Normally I played the ginormous string bass with the orchestra but not for this song. My fellow bass players always made fun of me for my face turning red but it was worth it in the end when we performed this piece as one of our "finale" pieces. Even as I grew as a piano player in high school I have never been able to play that piece as well, if at all.

Meth doesn't exist in nature. It was man made originally by the government to keep the military and pilots awake for long periods. It is still administered in small doses to pilots and possibly the military as well. It is also in common ADD medications given to children in smaller doses than the recreational use. Meth-amphetamine works on the Norepinephrine and Dopamine systems in the brain keeping neurotransmitters in the synapse longer. What does this do? In addition to making you feel really good, it makes you hypervigilant in recreational doses. This is why this drug is highly addictive. Some common side affects include Meth mouth, malnutrition, and bad hygiene. Chronic users of meth begin to lack circulation of the blood to the teeth so oxygen cannot reach them thus upping the likelihood of cavities. The part of the brain that makes people want to have good hygiene is tampered with in chronic meth users so on top of lack of circulation to their teeth, they'll stop brushing their teeth. On top of that, the nutrition part of the brain is also affected so instead of eating healthy, a chronic meth user would eat candy all day for example. This is just a glazed over description of all the great things about Meth. My cousin fell into its seductive trap. It got him kicked out of his high school and arrested. Getting his life back on "track" he graduated job corp and got a job at a grocery store. In the process he fell off a roof because his landlord asked him to do some job up there and he chose to do it high. He was lucky to survive with a broken back. His excuse then to get high some more was the back pain. Now he faces rape charges for something he did that he doesn't even remember because he was drunk and high on Meth. Lucky for him he may be able to take a plea bargain for assault which looks better on your record than rape and has less of a penalty. He has not been to a family dinner in a year or so because the timing "hasn't agreed with his work schedule". Is he guilty? I don't think he even knows.

Cocaine works on the Dopamine system in your brain. It makes the dopamine neurotransmitters stay in the synapse longer by blocking reuptake and stimulating the release of dopamine. This makes you feel really good, aroused, high energy, and you lose your appetite. I moved to a new school in the second grade. This put my older brother in a new school in the fourth grade. This is where he met his best buddy in the whole world. My brother's best buddy grew to become a family best buddy along with his family. When they graduated high school, my brother's best buddy moved away to an out of state college, and the separation of best buddies was the saddest thing in the world. This didn't last long as his adventures at an out of state college lead him to cocaine use which brought him back home since he flunked out. Cocaine works on the Dopamine system of the brain, the same system that when not working healthily, can cause symptoms of psychosis. Therefore, chronic cocaine users eventually become schizophrenic and we begin to see positive symptoms of schizophrenia like hallucinations because of the damage caused by cocaine use. My brother's best buddy was already suffering from bipolar disorder. He has been in and out of rehab and has been back and forth through relapses. He is now back with his crazy ex girlfriend from high school and even though he is still in the state, it has been another tragic separation of best buddies, separated by a disastrous case of cocaine addiction. I pray for peace.

My left arm throbs as I type this, as does my heart for two potentially young gentlemen caught in a windstorm of poor decisions. "One. Two. Three. Poke," said the nurse as she stabbed me with the HPV vaccination. She definitely didn't need to say poke when she poked because I felt the poke part, no words necessary. That was it and I was on my way out to the waiting room where my boyfriend sat reading a magazine article. I was done so quick he made me wait on him as he finished his one page article. I felt so much more comfortable having him with me at the doctors office. It's such an amazing feeling to look over and see him driving next to me, side by side. But our relationship was tested when we couldn't put together a simple bed frame without arguing. Obviously I was wrong because he's supposed to be the one good with tools so I made a delicious soup and made myself useful that way.

I think I really like Preludes for the piano. I used to love playing them. Even the most simple ones to play sound so complex. I'm listening to Preludes (10) For Piano, Op. 23 by Rachmaninov and I can hear the simplicity in it yet the complexity. I can hear how the left and right hand take turns with the hard parts while the other balances it out with some sort of chord until the grand finale where they both run around together in synchrony. This is how I choose to end my night, in perfect synchrony with nature and the man so natural for me to be with.

A nerdy Saturday

I'm listening to Nocturnes (2) for piano by Chopin. I just spent the last five hours listening to my biopsychology professor lecture on pharmacology. This is the study of how exogenous drugs (something made outside the body) affect endogenous neurotransmitter systems (something inside the body) to produce changes in behavior. I missed 5 days of class which is why I had so much to do to prepare for the test we are having on Monday. So what is one interesting thing I learned today from these lectures, well, there was so much that caught my attention and sparked an interest. My professor talked a lot about addiction and withdrawal symptoms that can affect one physically and/or psychologically. I never knew that physical withdrawals from alcohol can kill someone. This worries me. I pray for fellow college students who begin to develop drinking habits here thinking everyone drinks a lot in college until the popular partier at some frat finds himself guzzling down beer like a "college student" at age 40.

I am grateful for many things in my life and right now the best thing in my life is my gorgeous blue eyed boyfriend. When I first met him I knew there was something different about this boy. I truly and unconditionally care about him like no other previous boyfriend. When he told me that he was going out with his buddies to have a single beer, I did not mind. But when that single beer turned to drunkenness on several occasions, I feared for our relationship and his health. After a few rocks and bumps, we both promised each other (as I will be turning 21 soon) that we didn't need alcohol and we both gave it up for good. This is sort of a big deal for a guy in a fraternity but his brothers respected his decision and respected him for the promise he made me, not to mention his also worrisome mother liked this and me for promoting this. I have seen friends and family members fall down wrong paths from drugs and alcohol too many times so it holds a sore spot in my heart. I know I worry way too much but with this promise I can live much more comfortably with myself and those I love.

Another interesting fact I learned today, weed is the biggest money making industry in our country. There was a slide in the lecture filled with the positive affects and one tiny bullet point on the negative affects of THC (the main ingredient in cannabis, the pot plant). The briefness of negativity could be due to the lack of research done on this plant and drug, however. The part of the brain that THC affects was recently discovered in the 90s which in science world is like a baby learning to crawl. Since the government has classified marijuana as a deadly drug, the same classification a narcotic is given, not much research has been able to be done. I am not for legalizing marijuana but I am almost positive that the reasons for its illegalization do not lie in the government's concerns for public health and there are lurking variables hiding in the bushes as my high school stats teacher would say.

I watched my best friend from middle school start drinking alcohol, discover weed and it's "lack of a hangover", then slowly dissolve into the world of drugs. She left me and the rest of the high school behind, or rather fell below our island into a world I don't know to this day if she ever got out of. Last I heard she had a cocaine addiction. Without the help of green eyed Mary Jane, my best friend from middle school would have had a chance at graduating high school with the rest of us plain Jane's living in a different kind of green world. This is just one sad story in which I have read a library's worth throughout the two decades of my life. I pray for strength.

I love piano concerto No. 1 in C major by Beethoven. I am listening to it played by someone magnificently. Times like this I wish I kept up with my piano playing. One day I will reacquaint myself with the love that kept me out of trouble the first half of my life.